Screenplay:
I NEED A GIRL
1st Ten Pages
FADE IN:
BLACKNESS
We hear in a bedroom voice....
JOE (V.O.)
I need a girl... but not just any
girl will do. She's got to have a
brain, a personality and must be
good with kids 'cause I plan on
having six. She's gotta have a
rear like J Lo, and a rack like
Anna Nicole Smith, with lips like
Angelina Jolie and eyes like
Britney. It would be nice if she
knew her way around the kitchen but
I'm willing to negotiate.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
A couple is holding hands over a romantic dinner. We follow
the man's hand, up his arm as the V.O. continues.
JOE (V.O.)
You see, I've gotten to the point
in my life where I will accept only
the best for myself, because I'm
worth it. Every Sunday I pray that
God will send a beautiful woman who
loves me for what's on the
inside....
CLOSE ON
JOE'S face and one word comes to mind - GEEK! He's about
thirty, thick black hair, combed with a side path, long
sideburns like in the seventies. His thick messy eyebrows
and eyes are magnified behind huge, square spectacles. To
finish the retro look, he's wearing a checkered polyester
short sleeve jacket.
Joe kisses his date's hand tenderly. She complements him
with her retro-schoolteacher look: black hair in a bun,
glasses, face painted like she did it in the dark. But with
a makeover she would be a knockout.
ASTRID
So this is the end of you and me,
Joe?
Joe nods slowly as if he were telling her that her parents
had just died.
She is going to have a spasm... but no... she is just getting
ready for a good cry. Her voice goes up an octave.
ASTRID (cont'd)
But we dated for a whole year. If
you knew you didn't want to marry
me, why did you make me waste one
good, vibrant, fertile year of my
life?
Joe tries to soothe her with his bedroom voice.
JOE
Come on, honey, we had fun, didn't
we? It wasn't a total waste.
She pulls her hands away.
ASTRID
(louder; between sobs)
I don't want to have fun. I want
children and a house in the suburbs
and a dog....
JOE
Honey, people are staring.
Bobbing her head, she ponders her situation a beat.
ASTRID
So what do I do now?
A WAITRESS approaches with a jug of water, notices Astrid's
tears, looks at Joe, and shakes her head - You jerk!
She pours the water in Joe's glass until it overflows into
his lap. Joe jumps up.
JOE
Ma'am!
WAITRESS
Oh, I'm so sorry.
She reaches for his napkin to help mop up the water but she
spills the glass instead. Astrid looks on horrified.
WAITRESS (cont'd)
Oh, I'm such a klutz tonight.
JOE
It's all right. I'll take care of
it.
He grabs the napkin from her.
WAITRESS
Are you sure?
JOE
Yes. Perfectly.
The waitress turns away, smiles and a couple at a nearby
table gives her the thumbs up.
Joe sits down, mops up the water, still speaking with Astrid
but he has lost the sexy voice.
JOE (cont'd)
Maybe she's new and a little
nervous. No harm done. We're
through anyway.
Astrid begins to cry again.
JOE (cont'd)
I didn't mean it like that....
Come on, Astrid, don't do this.
ASTRID
How am I supposed to find true love
after you have ruined me for other
men?
JOE
I didn't ruin you. We haven't even
had sex.
ASTRID
And whose fault is that?
JOE
You're the one with herpes!
There is absolute silence in the restaurant as everyone turns
to look at them. Joe tries to laugh it off.
JOE (cont'd)
Ha, ha, ha! It's really an yeast
infection. We like to tease each
other. Go back to your dinner.
Everything is fine here.
Everyone returns to their meal.
ASTRID
So that's what this is all about,
isn't it, Joe?
JOE
What?
ASTRID
The... the... the yeast infection.
JOE
No. Of course not. We talked
about this already.
ASTRID
Joe, he was my boyfriend. We were
young. It's what everybody did in
college.
JOE
Not everybody....
She becomes angry.
ASTRID
Oh, right. Some of us were too
busy at the library to get it on.
JOE
I told you, Astrid, that has
nothing to do with it.
ASTRID
Then tell me what it is then.
JOE
I have my standards and....
ASTRID
Standards my backside.
JOE
Honey, watch your language.
ASTRID
Oh bloody hell. You're looking for
a perfect woman but she doesn't
exist.
JOE
Good things come to those who wait.
Besides, she doesn't have to be
perfect. I just want a pretty
girl....
Time stops. He looks at her, panicked. She glares at him.
He didn't just say that. How he wishes he could be a fly in
somebody's soup just about now.
ASTRID
I AM NOT PRETTY ENOUGH?
JOE
Astrid, please....
With one motion, she grabs her purse, kicks her chair from
behind her and arms herself with her glass of water.
JOE (cont'd)
Astrid, please, don't leave.
Let's....
She douses him with the water.
ASTRID
Good luck in finding your beauty
queen.
As she makes her way to the door, the patrons applaud her.
The waitress gives her a bottle of champagne as she leaves.
The waitress approaches Joe with the check.
WAITRESS
The check, sir.
JOE
Thank yo....
His eyes bulge.
JOE (cont'd)
Five hundred dollars? I didn't
order any champagne.
WAITRESS
The lady took a bottle when she was
leaving.
Joe gives her his credit card and waits.
A piece of vegetable hits him on the head and he turns in the
direction from which it came. Everyone is eating.
As he turns back, a dinner roll hits him on the head.
JOE
All right! All right! I was a
jerk. I deserve it.
The waitress returns with his credit card.
WAITRESS
Have a nice night, sir.
JOE
It's too late for that.
He gets up and as he makes his way to the front door, he is
showered with pieces of food. Without turning back he says:
JOE (cont'd)
Yeah, yeah. Just shoot me.
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