Screenplay:
I NEED A GIRL
1st Ten Pages

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FADE IN:



BLACKNESS

We hear in a bedroom voice....

			   JOE (V.O.)
	 I need a girl... but not just any
	 girl will do.  She's got to have a
	 brain, a personality and must be
	 good with kids 'cause I plan on
	 having six.  She's gotta have a
	 rear like J Lo, and a rack like
	 Anna Nicole Smith, with lips like
	 Angelina Jolie and eyes like
	 Britney.  It would be nice if she
	 knew her way around the kitchen but
	 I'm willing to negotiate.



INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A couple is holding hands over a romantic dinner.  We follow
the man's hand, up his arm as the V.O. continues.

			   JOE (V.O.)
	 You see, I've gotten to the point
	 in my life where I will accept only
	 the best for myself, because I'm
	 worth it.  Every Sunday I pray that 
	 God will send a beautiful woman who
	 loves me for what's on the
	 inside....

CLOSE ON 

JOE'S face and one word comes to mind - GEEK!  He's about
thirty, thick black hair, combed with a side path, long
sideburns like in the seventies.  His thick messy eyebrows
and eyes are magnified behind huge, square spectacles.  To
finish the retro look, he's wearing a checkered polyester
short sleeve jacket.

Joe kisses his date's hand tenderly.  She complements him
with her retro-schoolteacher look: black hair in a bun,
glasses, face painted like she did it in the dark.  But with
a makeover she would be a knockout.

			   ASTRID
	 So this is the end of you and me,
	 Joe?

Joe nods slowly as if he were telling her that her parents
had just died.

She is going to have a spasm... but no... she is just getting
ready for a good cry.  Her voice goes up an octave.

			   ASTRID (cont'd)
	 But we dated for a whole year.  If
	 you knew you didn't want to marry
	 me, why did you make me waste one
	 good, vibrant, fertile year of my
	 life?

Joe tries to soothe her with his bedroom voice.

			   JOE
	 Come on, honey, we had fun, didn't
	 we?  It wasn't a total waste.

She pulls her hands away.

			   ASTRID
		 (louder; between sobs)
	 I don't want to have fun.  I want
	 children and a house in the suburbs
	 and a dog....

			   JOE
	 Honey, people are staring.

Bobbing her head, she ponders her situation a beat.

			   ASTRID
	 So what do I do now?

A WAITRESS approaches with a jug of water, notices Astrid's
tears, looks at Joe, and shakes her head - You jerk!

She pours the water in Joe's glass until it overflows into
his lap.  Joe jumps up.

			   JOE
	 Ma'am!

			   WAITRESS
	 Oh, I'm so sorry.

She reaches for his napkin to help mop up the water but she
spills the glass instead.  Astrid looks on horrified.

			   WAITRESS (cont'd)
	 Oh, I'm such a klutz tonight.

			   JOE
	 It's all right.  I'll take care of
	 it.

He grabs the napkin from her.

			   WAITRESS
	 Are you sure?

			   JOE
	 Yes.  Perfectly.

The waitress turns away, smiles and a couple at a nearby
table gives her the thumbs up.

Joe sits down, mops up the water, still speaking with Astrid
but he has lost the sexy voice.

			   JOE (cont'd)
	 Maybe she's new and a little
	 nervous.  No harm done.  We're
	 through anyway.

Astrid begins to cry again.

			   JOE (cont'd)
	 I didn't mean it like that.... 
	 Come on, Astrid, don't do this.

			   ASTRID
	 How am I supposed to find true love
	 after you have ruined me for other
	 men?

			   JOE
	 I didn't ruin you.  We haven't even
	 had sex.

			   ASTRID
	 And whose fault is that?

			   JOE
	 You're the one with herpes!

There is absolute silence in the restaurant as everyone turns
to look at them.  Joe tries to laugh it off.

			   JOE (cont'd)
	 Ha, ha, ha!  It's really an yeast
	 infection.  We like to tease each
	 other.  Go back to your dinner. 
	 Everything is fine here.

Everyone returns to their meal.

			   ASTRID
	 So that's what this is all about,
	 isn't it, Joe?

			   JOE
	 What?

			   ASTRID
	 The... the... the yeast infection.

			   JOE
	 No.  Of course not.  We talked
	 about this already.

			   ASTRID
	 Joe, he was my boyfriend.  We were
	 young.  It's what everybody did in
	 college.

			   JOE
	 Not everybody....

She becomes angry.

			   ASTRID
	 Oh, right.  Some of us were too
	 busy at the library to get it on.  

			   JOE
	 I told you, Astrid, that has
	 nothing to do with it.

			   ASTRID
	 Then tell me what it is then.

			   JOE 
	 I have my standards and....

			   ASTRID
	 Standards my backside.

			   JOE
	 Honey, watch your language.

			   ASTRID
	 Oh bloody hell.  You're looking for
	 a perfect woman but she doesn't
	 exist.

			   JOE
	 Good things come to those who wait. 
	 Besides, she doesn't have to be
	 perfect.  I just want a pretty
	 girl....

Time stops.  He looks at her, panicked.  She glares at him. 
He didn't just say that.  How he wishes he could be a fly in
somebody's soup just about now.

			   ASTRID
	 I AM NOT PRETTY ENOUGH?

			   JOE
	 Astrid, please....

With one motion, she grabs her purse, kicks her chair from
behind her and arms herself with her glass of water.

			   JOE (cont'd)
	 Astrid, please, don't leave. 
	 Let's....

She douses him with the water.

			   ASTRID
	 Good luck in finding your beauty
	 queen.

As she makes her way to the door, the patrons applaud her. 
The waitress gives her a bottle of champagne as she leaves.

The waitress approaches Joe with the check.

			   WAITRESS
	 The check, sir.

			   JOE
	 Thank yo....

His eyes bulge.

			   JOE (cont'd)
	 Five hundred dollars?  I didn't
	 order any champagne.

			   WAITRESS
	 The lady took a bottle when she was
	 leaving.

Joe gives her his credit card and waits.

A piece of vegetable hits him on the head and he turns in the
direction from which it came.  Everyone is eating.

As he turns back, a dinner roll hits him on the head.

			   JOE
	 All right!  All right!  I was a
	 jerk.  I deserve it.

The waitress returns with his credit card.

			   WAITRESS
	 Have a nice night, sir.

			   JOE
	 It's too late for that.

He gets up and as he makes his way to the front door, he is
showered with pieces of food.  Without turning back he says:

			   JOE (cont'd)
	 Yeah, yeah.  Just shoot me.